Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
You Might Also Like
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”