@envydatropic: Stuck between "that was awesome" and "OMG do you need medical attention" wherever I walk off the dance floor
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@gtfml: When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?" because you can never be too careful.
@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
@jackiembouvier: Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?