@TheTweetOfGod: Stuck in church. Everyone’s singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”. Damn, My son has some stupid friends.
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@drewjanda: Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason.
@ceejoyner: Why don't you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
@sixfootcandy: Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers. Pharmacist: True. Name please. Me: I have no idea.