(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Gods work.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army