The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My dating profile:
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
my dad has had enough
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is