stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?