Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.