[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*orders delivery*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
No Google it does not
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer