Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.