Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.