Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me: my friends:
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
o shit
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.