STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Only a mother’s love …
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.