Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Good point.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
We’re all getting idioter.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310