[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Oh thanks BBC.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors