STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
You Might Also Like
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.