STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
You Might Also Like
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
This cat wants you to take your pills
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.