STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
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Just take a day off
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.