Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”