Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I have a new favorite meme page
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt