Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.