me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then