MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
all bases covered
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.