Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
scared to check what name she chose
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
This is me 🤣🤣
Oh the world we live in…
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.