Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.