Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.