Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
spicy snake
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.