The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.