WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
motivation
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee