This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out