Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”