@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
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@Matty_Softmitts: I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."
@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1] *tears off Dec 2016 calendar page* [JANUARY 2016, Part 2] What? *flips* [YOU DIDN'T THINK] *flips* [2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!] NOO!!
@mompsychologist: 3yo: *follows me into bathroom* Me: "Privacy, please" 3yo: "Oh, right" *closes door* "Now we have privacy, Mommy"