@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
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@BootsORiley: Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
@DirtMcTurd: Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren't called psychopaths? Well they should be.
@simoncholland: [Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
@animaldrumss: Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults