@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
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@JohnLyonTweets: Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
@Sickayduh: "Well, congrats. You're a homeowner now. Any questions?" "Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn't the Decepticons just bid on em?"
@theshamingofjay: *tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
@Lisa_Laughs_: Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter