@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
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@NicestHippo: *tries online dating* Oh…oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow
@XplodingUnicorn: I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.
@withanewname: "Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
@GrantTanaka: at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back