@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID
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@mofrorock: A prickle of porcupines A murder of crows A flamboyance of flamingos A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts A shrewdness of apes A parla
@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
@Chumpstring: In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
@BigBagOfScum: the restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang, it just means I can't be within 50'. We could still play catch or frisbee or something...