how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
yall want some gasoline milk
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.