Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“OMGJK” -atheists
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.