Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second