My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now