@moooooog35: [1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need

@somelightcrying: Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

@wickedsuga: Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons? *reason #42 why I can't fall asleep

@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

@weinerdog4life: Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.