“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.