@Go2Slp: How to get laid: HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.

@QuiteQuietOne: Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

@heatherlou_: Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@behindyourback: The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

@theekillerqueen: I'm gonna start using my cat's ages like y'all do your kids. 5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.