@SamGrittner: "Stuff that alligator in that dolphin" - God creating sharks
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@DammitLarry1: When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
@GreenishDuck: Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.
@Reverend_Scott: Dog: WHAT IF I'M HERE ALONE FOREVER Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT Dog: probably eat the cat LOL Dog 911: LOL
@phaggots: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Scorpio's drink water when they're thirsty" OMG THIS IS SO ME