“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
i choose….tongue
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions