Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hey I worked for it too!
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.