Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.