Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible