[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
There’s never enough good news
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Don’t touch that.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: