[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
You Might Also Like
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
good morning
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Lmbo
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”