[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.