STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You Might Also Like
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.