STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win