He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep