[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.