@mofrorock: Stupid cats, can't even YOLO
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@Christweetpher_: [jail] INMATE: so what are ya in for? BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession INMATE: goddam pigs
@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring