Lmao
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
had to share :’)
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money