A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.