My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
You got this…
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.