“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*me flirting
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap